Monday, December 14, 2009

Happy Monday

Fucking awesome...

Saturday, December 12, 2009

the laws of some attraction

I just finished watching "About a Son" a little film full of images and complete recordings of an interview Kurt Cobain did around '92, '93 with rock journalist Michael Azerrad. Besides being sad and unsettling, understanding the root of his troubles and sympathetic to his life, I came to the conclusion that some guys need a crazy, insane woman. When he started talking about how he had met Courtney Love, and how he made her feel, it kind of made sense. He saw himself as this weak individual who despised 99.9% of humanity, and maybe felt his own life was a bit boring. When Courtney showed up in his life, he said her insane urges and outlandish behavior brought some excitement into his life, and he liked that. I'm not going to say that I entirely know all about this relationship, but I know it wasn't a perfect relationship despite the fact that he may have been happy time to time with her. I think the drugs would've had a huge impact in the relationship as well, the ones who "inject together, stay together," i suppose until one od's or commits suicide. Anyways, I just don't get how some people crave this kind of unstable, unhealthy relationship. I suppose the excitement is a big factor, because it derives this love/hate passionate kind of thing. Something that I haven't experienced, and don't think I ever will, unless i too, meet a crazy drug fueled man who'll "build me up to just bring me down."

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

We bounded over Psychedelic Furs and Pixies

I have a confession to make, i used to have an Internet buddy. And no, it wasn't a Dateline To Catch a Predator Special with Chris Hansen unfortunately. I was about 13 when AIM was all the rage and chatting in chat rooms was freakin' cool. Well one of my friends got me into it, I was a little weirded out at first, but since i was in middle school and this kind of thing was 'cool,' I decided to give it a try. This is how I met my only Internet buddy i didn't ever know in real life...My aim name was "PrettyPunk" (haha), and I met "RebelAgnstAll" or also known as 'Dylan'-through a random chat room. Now, I'll never be sure that he was a 15 year old guy living in West Virginia with a penchant for good taste in music, but he seemed pretty legit to me. [God, he probably was a super lonely 30 year old guy with a beer belly,] Anyways, we started chatting, talking about punk rock and how much he loved the Psychedelic Furs and how he saw them with his dad in D.C.. He also loved the Pixies, and that's how I got hooked into that band. He recommended 'Trompe le Monde,' so I went out and bought it a few days later, and fell in love with that record. It was weird, it was the only time I ever dabbled with the idea of an 'Internet boyfriend'...I would fantasize how we would meet one day, and he'd be the coolest guy around and whatever else a young teenage girl dreams about. We would just talk about music and the things we liked, and how he would say he wished i went to school with him...I never got freaked out about anything, because it truly was innocent and i never lured him to my house with a heaping pitcher of iced tea just so Mr. Hansen could stroll on in and catch him, haha. It was just two young kids bonding over david bowie and Francis Black, and it was a really hopeful time for me, because i knew I could find someone, somewhere who shared my weird insecurities and love for music no one at my school had even heard of. Then as my middle school years ended, and computer failure happened, I just lost touch and that was pretty much the end of that. I wonder what Dylan is up to now? I will never know, but it was cool to have that one experience and I'm just glad it was legitimate and not uber scary like the things you hear on the news, just someone to bitch with and pass the agonizing years of adolescence with.

Monday, November 23, 2009

You belong in the city...

I cannot tell you how many times I've heard this from numerous friends and family, and maybe a few random people I've met on the street. Do I really belong in an urban metropolis? Do I look like I'm from the city? Sometimes I think I act like I am, the way I move out on the streets like i'm at union square or something, dodging the strollers and Fresnos visiting on a Thursday evening at SLO farmers market. I guess you could say I was born in a city, but not really, it didn't seem like a city to me. It was more of a suburb really, but the thing about southern california is that nothing is super connected, each little city is cut and before you know it you're in cerritos, or you're in long beach, or you're in costa mesa, whatever. The city down there to me is Los Angeles, duh! And I wasn't born in the heart of LA, so I can't really say I was born in a city. The shock of moving to my current hometown (population roughly 6,000 or more), was mindblowing. The hardest part was meeting new people, but it didn't take me too long to make some friends. Now I end up laughing at the tourists who are shocked we don't have a starbucks, (ewww, and they tend to ask me this at the coffee shop i work at! our coffee is way better by the way). But there was a short time when I really went/lived in the city...and that was my eighteenth summer, I moved to San Francisco and I stayed there for about seven months. I miss being anonymous and just walking everywhere looking at the buildings and sometimes meeting randoms on the bus. Or going to alamo square and smoking with a roomate, I didn't do enough. It was a great feeling, newly on my own, so young and free but at the same time I didn't realize how bogged down I was. I think it would be different now, I would've explored a lot more and met more people, but at that time it was about dependence and love...only wanting to stay trapped inside. No good. SO now, I think it's time to move again, this time it will be more methodical and planned out...not so much an impulse because a lover was living there, more for myself. One more year here and then who knows maybe Chicago? New York? Seattle? Any of those places would be fabulous, so i'm just going to keep my eyes open and feel out...because city life is something I feel I adapt too and can manage well in. But for now, I will just enjoy this quiet life and take advantage of the natural beauty before making my way to a concrete jungle.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Feelin' so Free

Hung down at Detroit Bar in Costa Mesa last night, saw one of my favorite bands The Whigs play, some other great acts like The Dead Trees rocked out last night too. So much fun! MEt some cool people, hung out with some old friends, front row dancing with a friendly drunk lady and talked about how much we adored The Whigs. They put on one hell of a show, right up there with my Mogwai live experience, seriously! The last song turned into this gigantic noise collective with strobes and red/blue lights flashing in ears were numb, fucking awesome. Drank some beer and just had a good old time. I hope these guys come to the central coast again, we could use some real good music here. Things are going super well right now, can't complain, I've got a busy weekend and week ahead and Im doing a 5k midnight fun run with my compadres today/tomorrow! Then off to celebrate 21 year old birthday of a great friend, school, then Thanksgiving! Awww, i love this time of the season when things creep up and celebration is the norm! love love love. here's some whigs and dead trees for your evening!

And dead trees, somewhat pavement reminiscent but totally have their own sound too, great groovin tunes.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

i never thought a song by 'the horrors' would hit me.

i never meant for you to get hurt
and how i try, oh how i try
i could never give you just what you deserve
another man would surely learn

i know these words may only serve to twist the knife
but i'll strive to make them heard
maybe it's better now i've gone away
maybe it's not, oh who can say

and though it's hard for me to say
i know you're better off this way

and when i told her i didn't love her anymore
she cried
and when i told her her kisses were not like before
she cried
and when i told her another girl had caught my eye
she cried
and then i kissed her with a kiss
that could only mean goodbye

and though it's hard for me to say
maybe you're better off this way
and though it's hard for me to say
i know you're better off this way

get away

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Fall and early winter is a time where I really put a lot of my soul into dressing. It's a time when I get out my Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds records, along with some Sun Kil Moon/Red House Painters. I find myself playing these bands the most during this time but theres also this mix of whatever I'm discovering/re-discovering in music land...for example I'm playin some early Pearl Jam as im writing this, and I've been watching some early Hall and Oates videos for uber cool/confident inspiration. Okay so I've got this mix of dark winter biting emotion, light broken hearted songs of love, slick attitude, and a bit of grunge all wrapped together to make my fall/winter season. Now how does it get transposed? Well, it does and it doesn't. Some key pieces for this time of year for me include: A nice black blazer, lots of thick tights, a pair of nice lace up black boots, some crazy sweaters, nice trousers and a pair of nice jeans, my beloved circle scarf, and some vintage dresses I've collected over the years. I don't follow everything to a T, I just come up with whatever I wear in the moment/mood i'm in. I also think that I just want to wear my hair one way the whole time...I've been doing this double braided pony tail with long bangs hairstyle lately. I love it because my hair is out of my face and I don't have to fuss about it, i can just braid it when it's wet and forget about it. PJ Harvey's style has really been inspiring me a lot lately and I really enjoy how she carries her femininity in a masculine suit while still looking absolutely gorgeous sans heavy makeup..maybe just a little mascara and red lipstick. She's so unique and I admire that. She's extremely versatile and i believe she wears what she feels. I think my style is growing up with me, I still want to tweak everything I wear with some quirky item but I don't know, I'm evolving I think. I want to dress more sophisticated/feminine with slight hints of vintage. And I think that's what my fall wardrobe is becoming. Anyways,this time of year is always my favorite as winter is waiting in the wings! Time is flying by, but in the mean time I'm just going to sit and enjoy this time recapturing the thoughts and emotions my standby fall musicians play for me. So I've mentioned nick cave and pj harvey in this post, well I guess I'm going to have to play one of my favorite songs they did together...'Henry Lee'
Beautiful Beautiful Beautiful.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Sweet Nostalgia 1998

Lately there has been one movie that I've just been wanting to see again, enough time has passed for me to enjoy the nostalgia of 'Excess Baggage' starring Benicio Del Toro (swoon), and Alicia Silverstone. Back when I was in fourth grade I remember I would always go to my friend Katherine's house and we would just hangout, paint our nails, and watch this movie. I swear we watched it at least once a week, we started memorizing the lines and shit. I remember how we loved how bad ass cool Alicia Silverstone was in her role and how gorgeous Benicio Del Toro was (and still is). Katherine would say that Silverstone's character held all facets of our circle of friends. I had her style, Katherine had her attitude, Amber and looked like her and our friend emily, well Alicia's character has the same name. I think her descriptions were and still are spot on. Unfortunately, I don't get to see my childhood friends as much as I'd like to anymore. Sure, I see them every couple of years or so and try to stay in touch via the internet but nothing can compare to the bonds girls share in pre adolescence, before things get catty and vain. It was all about having fun, going shopping with our moms, singing and dancing to the B52's, and proclaiming that "girls rule, boys drool!" Not to say I'm not having a blast now with my girlfriends, but that whole innocence is gone. Maturity and sex kinda complicate everything and just adult life in general complicates things. It was a fun time in my life, and it was free and easy. Which is why I need to get a hold of this movie soon, just so I can take a break and get away - travel back in time to my pre adolescent self, and figure out the process of change. Memorize and remember what it was like to be 10 and realize that I need to come back to now because one day, ten years from now I'm going to be trying to remember what I was like when I was 21.

Monday, October 26, 2009

I saw it flying over in the air, some tin can getting crushed.

Where do I begin to explain? I witnessed destruction, wild abandon, drunken freedom, sisterly love, high power money grabbers, the poor beggars, and folks of middle eastern descent all in one day. On our way to Santa Barbara on Saturday right before hitting Los alamos the most horrific thing happened. On the northbound side we saw this white thing in the air and a gigantic cloud of dust and immediately my friend yells "oh my god, do you see that, somebody just had an accident!" She pulls over to the side of the freeway, gets out of the car and makes a mad dash across the dividers while I'm in the car, adrenaline rushing, trying to call 911. As I make the call I can see this young man stumble out, looking like a zombie, disoriented. The car had rolled and was back on its right side in a ditch, the entire top of it crushed. After making the 911 call, I immediately call my mother while I'm just sitting there watching my friend and four other people trying to help. There was another guy too, the passenger who was the worst off. According to my friend his biceps brachii muscle was bleeding heavily and he had head wounds. I was so proud of my friend (who is a junior lifeguard), she was there doing all the first aid, trying to keep him concsious while they waited for the paramedics. All of a sudden a helicopter shows up and lands on the freeway, air evacuating them up and out. It was the most insane/awful thing to witness, but I'm just sooo glad that they're alive and were conscious. There isn't really much left to say, when my friend got back in the car we just hugged and came to the realization like all people do, that everything can change in a split second.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Imperare sibi maximum imperium est.

Clear water, pure and simple. Blood, organs, tissue, complex and hard to grasp. I want to be more pure and simple, a mind not clouded by biological junk. I want to drink the truth, drink it’s purity and cleanliness. I want to be clean of negative thought and destruction inside my brain and my body. It’s filled presently with worries, complications, faults, and is lacking in love and simplicity. I want to open my arms to the sky and yell out, and know inside that I am what I am, and that I love you, I love you, I love you. And all I can give you is what I hold inside my head and my heart, good intentions, no more hate, no more jealousy, no more negativity. My existence is too short to impose such ugly things. I am so content here, and yet I am so excited to explore and know that there is such a vast world surrounding me I have yet to touch. I am going to touch new parts, and be there on the other side of the world and breath its air and observe it's people. I'm carving out this life, and it's a great feeling to know that I am young, I am healthy, and open to anything that will be crossing my path. It's a great moment, each coming moment is and is always getting better and I am so so so thankful for all the amazing people I know and love in my life. It has been a long week filled with driving and so much studying, I feel accomplished to have successfully gotten through it all and I'm excited for this weekend. A day trip a few hours south will help me clear my head and renew. I just felt like I needed to explain my spiritual/mental/emotional awakenings. Need I say more? I didn't think so. love love love.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

a beautiful thing I found

From the movie 'Chelsea Walls,' randomly found this excerpt on youtube with these amazing words. I'll post the scene too if you'd like to listen to it, rosario dawson does a lovely job reciting this. Great poem, feels like love.

"I want to be a lost poem in a stranger's coat pocket, that conveys the importance of you.
To assure you of my desire, to assure you of dreams. I want all the possibilities of you in writing.
I want to give you your reflection, I want your eyes on me, I want to travel to the lightness with you and stay there, and I want everything before you...
...everything before you to follow us like a trail behind me.
I want never to say goodbye to you, even on the street corner or the phone.
I want, I want so much... I'm breathless.
I want to put my power into a poem to burn a hole in your pocket so I can sew it.
I want my words to scream through you. I want the poem not to mean that much.
And I want to contradict myself by accident, and for you to know what I mean.
I want you to be distant and for me to feel you close, I want endless days when it's day and... nighttime never to end when it's night.
I want all the seasons in one day. I want the sun to set before us and come up in front of us.
I want water up to our waists and to be drenched by the rain, up to our ankles with holes in our shoes.
...with holes in our shoes. I want to think your thoughts because they're mine.
I want only what's urgent with you.
I want to get in the way of the barriers and I want you to be a tough guy when you're supposed to,
like you do already.
...when you're supposed to. And I want you to be tender, like you do already.
And I want us to have met for a reason and I want that reason to be important.
And I want it to be bigger than us, I want it to take over us.
I want to forget. I want to remember us.
And when you say you love me I don't want to think you really mean New York City, and all the fun
we have in it.
And I want your smile always, and your grimaces too.
I want your scar on my lips, and I want your disappointments in my heart.
I want your strength in my soul and I want your soul in my eyes.
I want to believe everything you say, and I do.
And I want you to tell me what's best when I don't know.
And when you're lost I want to find you.
And when you're weary I want to give you steeples and cathedral thoughts and coliseum dreams.
I want to drag you from the darkness and kneel with you exhausted with the blinding light blaring on us... and..."

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

The Power of Heat

For a long time now I've experienced these long moments of observation. You know the feeling where your mind and body don't seem like they're in the same places at the same time? Where you're doing something but not really living in that moment, where time moves really fast and things that happened days ago feel like they happened years ago. And you don't seem to be able to grasp those past actions or things you did at all. Well, I've been feeling like this off an on. The only times where I'm actually connected, living and breathing mind, body, and soul is through vigorous physical activity. Lately, I've been really focused on two cores of physical activity: Bikram Yoga and Spin - two truly different forms of activity but they both force me to act in the moment, to live in it and experience it. Bikram yoga is one of the most amazing gifts I've ever given to my body, and although I am still a beginner I find it to be one of the most challenging things I've ever done. I find myself to feel completely accomplished after finishing each session, and believe me, you'd be proud of me too as I can never seem to finish other activities. Spinning also gives me this great outlet to pour all my stresses out and to feel powerful...there is something about sweating, that makes you release. Bikram is notorious for sweating and it may seem gross, but I tell you it's incredibly amazing to find yourself sweating soooo much. The heat, the sweat, the fluidness of your muscles, your mind and body working in one spectrum together and it feels really good to live in the moment. I just don't know why I find it so hard to do this when I'm not working out. As of this moment, I still feel disconnected like my brain is floating up out of my head and these fingers are just typing. It's strange. I must learn to just breathe and not worry about all the little things in life, I need to be here now. Everything is the way it's suppose to be. And I leave you with a pause, to absorb the moment and breath...some brian eno to set the atmosphere. love love love

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Lord Byron

"When we two parted"
By Lord Byron

When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.

The dew of morning
Sunk chill on my brow---
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame;
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.
They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;

A shudder comes o'er me---
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well:---
Long, long shall I rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.

In secret we met---
In silence I grieve
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?---
With silence and tears.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Look at us, but do not touch

I'm sorry if I keep on writing about the same things lately, but one last note on Primal Scream. Their cover of Some Velvet Morning really does something to a lot of people think they butchered this classic Nancy Sinatra and Lee Hazlewood duet, but honestly I don't think of it or compare it to the original at all. It sounds completely different, and I'm really addicted to it. Lots of energy, sensual ism, sexiness, and mystery to it. The electronics in it are incredibly infectious, and all I think of is being at some high fashion runway show in Paris because of it. I think it would fit really well as a runway soundtrack. Anyways, I'm using this to segway into a fashion talk once again. Since Kate Moss duets on this track and of course is in the video, fashion needs to be mentioned here. The video is really trendy cool, and my pop culture side really enjoys it, a total guilty pleasure. Primal Scream is kind of an odd band, they sound really different on each album and have changed their sound throughout the years, but their recent stuff is mostly electronic/high energy I've found. Bobby Gillespie is pretty hot (lead of PS), and has been through the music circuit for a while (he drummed for the jesus and mary chain during Psychocandy, etc.). Anyways, the other day I went to Barnes and Noble and splurged on some imported Fashion/Art Mags from England and it looks like the early 1990s look is gaining major headway. The whole shoegaze, psychedelia look seems to be especially popular overseas, and I suspect in NY, LA, and SF as well, (but i can't be sure of it since i don't live in these cities at the moment, but I have a strong suspicion that there's a group of kids sporting these looks in these areas). With the advent of american apparel and urban outfitters this trend is mass market. I mean i like it, but it's eh, way trendy. Anyways when you see major 'indie' trends like this with scenesters it's usually due to a band or some other pop culture icon. I think we're always going backward to those monumental times in music to take their clothes and re make them for today. Just look at american apparel and urban outfitters, all those clothes are reminiscent of late 80s and 90s style. An over sized day glo shirt is no longer a faux pas my friends, it's very sheik apparently. I don't know maybe it's not, but I find more and more of the mainstream turning this way too, it's sort of cool but mass produced again. I saw these thirteen year old boys walking downtown the other day with these bright purple crazy day glo colors and some bright kicks to match. Also, forever 21 is BIG on this trend, which is why Rebecca and I decided to name a certain section there the early 90s section since it's very apparent. I'm sure this is nothing you haven't already known, I'm just reflecting on this. Trends come and go, as well as the bands that work this trend, they have that one hit with their matching styles and the next day their gone. I'm really curious to see what's going to happen next, what era will we see again? As for my own personal style, I may buy one or two items at the stores I've mentioned but I'm not going to buy their 'outfit.' I just do what I do like many of you stylish people, buy and wear what you like - don't listen to me or anyone else, and if you don't really care about fashion, well that's cool too. Other than that, primal scream, Egon Schiele, and Bosch are major players in my evolution of dressing lately...this is the beauty of a new day, it equals a new look, have fun.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Moon child sonic sister

This is weird, I've been really into Primal Scream lately and I found this song on youtube today. Not only is it amazing, but it mentions a sonic sister in this song. Now the weird thing about it is that i've used that name for many many things, (usernames, aka names, etc.), it's like it was meant to be. I'm the sonic sister, i wouldn't mind being any of the things he mentions in the song, except for maybe the looking so dead part, but other than that it's love love. My theme song baby.

She's a star fruit surf rider flower groove
Switchblade motorcycle baby blue
She is love love love, love love love
Shes a moon child sonic sister pleasure head
Treasure lips of crimson well looking so dead
She is love love love, love love love

She's taking me away, I'm gonna go forever
Sugar ditch, honey hips, crimson lips of pleasure
The only one I want, she does just what she wants
And she is love love love, love love love

Friday, September 25, 2009

Is it true? Do I have my own philosopher?

Yesterday, I was walking to my car after finishing up my astronomy class at Cuesta and there was this little folded up piece of paper securely put under my windowshield. I kind of didn't notice it at first, but then after a quick double take I picked it up. A small piece of notebook paper folded up, and inside in a quite nice blue script was "Hi Chelsea." After reading it, I looked around the parking lot, and found myself to be a bit puzzeled. That's all it said, no mention of the writer or anything. Too bad, I'm not so good at recognizing text, only with certain people but the way this was written could have belonged to male or female. I was kinda happy and weirded out at the same time as i got into my car to drive home. It seems I have an admirer of some sort...or a really creepy stalker (and I wouldn't be too suprised, as I tend to attract them for some reason). Could this person be wanting me to rack my brain to this? Yes, I know my car and I are really recognizable but I don't think I really know too many people attending cuesta this semester, and plus they would totally sign their name! Anyways, since I've been reading Sophie's World for my philosophy class I'm beginning to wonder if I too, have my own philosopher somewhere trying to send me these kinds of things to help me get a broader perspective. who knows? but other than that, kinda creepy but to whoever sent the hello, well 'hello' right back to ya! To be continued.....

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

It was 2006 and I really loved fashion

I was in my garage a few hours ago and found some papers with this stuff below written on them (they were inside an old Britex shopping bag from my SF fashion excursion days). These papers were from an old summer program at my future art school...It's funny to look back and see my opinions on fashion...not too much has changed.

I love bloomers
Hate Bergdorf Goodman - meaning the suits and silky things looks too rich old lady
I love chiffon and lace
Love deep purples, greens
Love sheer fabrics, trimmings
I love ruffles - but not too much
Love Karl Lagerfeld
I love round toe pumps - patent leather
I like horoscopes and symbols
I hate reptile looking boots and patterns
I love flat no heel boots
I like Sofia Coppola
I love Edwardian/Victorian items
I like hand knit items
I like big beads and feminine blouses
colors i like - light pinks
I like crushed velvets - sixties playboy jackets
I like rosettes
I like Marc Jacobs eclectic mixes
I like ribbons and bow ties
I like Tea Party dresses
I like metallic fabrics
shapes, triangles, jagged edges
I hate Moo Moos

Candy stripes
tailored suits
big hair
polka dots
Marc Jacobs
mermaind silhouettes
ladlike gloves
sailors, nautical but not nautica
old, vintage, traditional
Japan - Fruits, EGL's
Kewpie dolls
Historical clothing

army/military outfits
big furs
fur hats
generic western
sportsy, spandex type things
sporty sneakers
Biker wear (too much of it)

Saturday, September 19, 2009

I Fall Apart

So beautiful. This guy was great, I don't know but something about the way this song sounds and the lyrics really shall i say 'speak' to this dude, he was truly a fantastic musician.


April 20, 2008

Nowadays I always have
to have a guy around my arm
Something sweet too, photographed
to show the world I'm not alone
These were from the past, the
parts where life meant so much
more - And after you had gone
I got sad and felt like the rest of
My life is seemingly quick swatches
and blurs - semi parts like deja-vu
A snapshot every second as if I've
never actually live it -Why did you
turn me this way? You've taken
a huge part of me and thrown it
away unlike your beer bottles
you keep sacred.
I look back on this journal entry above (I was newly 20) and I can't understand a lot of things I did. What does hold true is this feeling, this emptying feeling of a life I feel like I'm not living. It's very out of body, or like a reel. I can't really explain it, it has nothing to do with that relationship, except for the fact that I started feeling this way after it ended. It's not painful, it's just weird. It's like I'm living my life but at the same time I feel like it's a flashing screen, where time is moving incredibly fast and the moments I cannot savor, they're just splotches of the present and they go on and on. I'll try and get back to this...more self reflection needs to be done.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Style Slump

I've noticed in these past couple of months that I've begun to lose my inspiration, or rather I'm out of ideas when it comes towards creating/evolving my personal style. I'm not sure, but it may have to do with the fact that my clothes aren't really reflecting a cohesive thing. When I look into my closet I see a spectrum of eras, looks, fads, colors, textures, patterns of all kinds. It's beginning to remind me of a costume/thrift store. I remember way back when I was about 15 or 16 and I devoted most of my dressing to the 1960s mod look. I had the haircut, the eyeliner, the mini dresses and white and black mary jane patent leather shoes. I got the whole thing down, it was consistent. And then I started to just do the entire vintage day it would be 1950s, the next 1920s, and so on, it just depended upon my mood. I feel like I was a much better dresser in high school than I am today. I think I'm just so clouded by so many decades and inspirations that I just don't know what the hell to put on. I think this has a lot to do with the fact that I focused on one area of fashion, or one decade/or one item that I truly loved back then, (for example I had this great mod white coat that was my staple in my wardrobe). I've just grown and evolved too fast maybe? You know, in fashion everything is pretty much recycled throughout the ages, nothing is really 'new' it's just recreated to become modern, at least that's what i think. Yet, as I continue to look into my closet I'm starting to wonder exactly what it reflects about me. If a complete stranger walked into my room and opened up my closet what would they think about me? What kind of person would they think I am? Looking at my closet now, I would say that I look indecisive, eccentric, crazy, spontaneous, and maybe a bit of a pack rat. I don't know if I like all of these things about me, I don't know if I want to appear that way. Hell, I think the biggest saying my closet screams is "i don't know, that's why I have this just in case!" Meaning I've got just about every kind of look out there, and I'm not sure If i like that. Because truth be told, the closet is a great reflection of my life right now...a big "i don't know."

Monday, September 14, 2009

those ghost orbs have funny ways of predicting

I’m looking at a collection of pictures done during this glorious summer. A night spent at the point of the gigantic rock on the beach. We found ourselves safely enclosed in an estuary where we could look hidden from the cops and drink our beer and smoke our dope. We sat, and looked beyond to the town lights creating this haze over the sky. They brought bongos and a ukulele so we could try and make something out of our thoughts into sound. Then we decided to cross over this sandy bluff down nearer to the water. All of them piled onto a lifeguard tower, but for some reason I wasn’t able to grasp onto it, even though they offered help. I decided to go to the water and disappear from them for a while. There was a lot going on in my mind during that time, so much confusion about what I meant to you. I ran out near the water because I wanted you to come get me, to come and lay by me to look up at the sky and try to have some kind of philosophical conversation. But you didn’t come, you were too busy having fun with our new strangers and I don’t blame you. So I ran back and forth on the shore, getting my legs wet up to my knees, my jeans conforming to the skin. There was pain in my heart, but I got this great sense of liberation running alone and looking at the vastness of the Pacific Ocean. It was black with the sky and the sound of it making waves calmed me. I realized there, that we are all alone in this. No matter how much I wanted something, in the end, loneliness will prevail. I really understood the meaning of all you have is yourself. So I got worn out from running on the water and just laid there on the sand and tried to pull myself together. I was sad about everything and I could predict the outcome of this night, and it wasn’t going to go in my favor. They sent our friend to come and ‘rescue me,’ he was quite drunk and happy so I went to join up again with the rest of you. I still felt separate from everything the rest of that evening spent on the beach. I just wanted to sleep, yet the promise seemed possible. We played our music and the camera was there to document this moment of complete freedom. Youth slightly out of our minds, carefree in the night sky screaming and singing. Those ghost orbs fell hard. And we walked back holding hands, bittersweet conversation where the promise broke. I was tattered with sea salt and miscalculating. We drove, you sat behind me and brought your drunken hand to my neck, caressing my face and then we just held hands tightly for awhile until I let go.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

a year of isolation

I guess it never really meant that much. Not being part of your words on lust and body parts. Maybe i'm the higher pedestal, wishful thinking, i'm probably the lesser thought. Something we did because we were bored.
"A simple prop to occupy my time" ~REM

Monday, September 7, 2009

Something I did to make me...

All Used Up

Confident and Clean
Losing me in a state of uneasiness
Brought about by big eyed creatures
Connected with veins to wires
And screens relentlessly trying
To destroy anything regarding
Beauty and youthful desires
Sexual satisfaction and freedom

We stood in the hallway
Eyes and arms protruding in a
Hypnotic fashion
Feeling each other for
Something that cannot be there
And will never be there
We are fighters connected on a string
Of outcomes that are always beyond
Our control

We found solstice in this equation
Realizing that the results would end up
Horribly wrong
You, being stuck to the actions of sex and liberty
I, being weighted by the feelings
automatic caring
memorable connections
the passion and saliva

Thursday, September 3, 2009

One of my favorite poems

Untitled by Tony Scibella

..."i expect anybodys
that been together
for a while
fall into a semi-coma
and stay
and if nothing extraordinary happens
waking up somewhere
down the line
wondering what happened
to life
and the promise of love

and we were promised love
and happiness
that we were to attain
but no body explained how..."

I was 16 when I first read this, full of emotion and a strong yearning for both of those things: love and happiness. After 5 years, and admitting to briefly experiencing both and losing both intermittently at times i still find this poem to be one of my all time favorites. Something about it hits this very human nerve, it's something everyone can relate to it's a longing with no instruction book. what happened?

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


Wow, where do i begin? It's been a while posting here, as I feel there isn't any prolific thoughts to be spread in the very public electronic world, many are written in books and journals close to my heart and only read by me. But, today another musical inspiration comes this way through the band WIRE> The first time I ever heard of them was on VH1 Classic when I was about 16, it was a video for their song 'Kidney Bingos,' needless to say, I was hooked. Also, quite coincidentally the 20 year old boy I was in love with at the time was totally into them as well, (and well, he's a whole other post to explain about). I revisited wire for a time when I was 19 (I would play "a bell is a cup until it is struck" all the time), my boyfriend at the time would make fun of me and would make fun of this band as I don't think he really appreciated the greatness (another sign that we weren't ever a good match). Today, Wire is even more powerful to me as I'm rediscovering a lot of their other songs I really never listened to. And man, the lyrics right now are mirroring my life and certain people I know. Thank you Wire for giving justification to life's entangled moments. Below is what I mean. I leave you with the song that made me love wire "kidney bingos."

Three Girl Rhumba
"a chance encounter
you want to avoid:
the inevitable.
so ya do,
oh yes ya do,
the impossible."

A Mutual Friend
"Hearing of your troubles
Has forced me to double
My interest in your current affairs...

Please don't turn a deaf ear to the noises you hear
While savagely your love you prune
For he might replace the old with the moon
He might replace the old with the moon"

"You're an energy void,
a black hole to avoid,
no style,
no heart,
you don't even start."

and there are many other great lyrics strewn across, but here's a glance, other songs like "i should have known better," "outdoor miner," and "silk skin paws" to name a few.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

You are not

Story idea #1 (7.6.09)

You were unholy, you were not meant to be
who you thought you were
They tried to change you, and with mild success
you appeared with longer hair and darker clothes
And they'd project you on a million computer
screens in the hopes that she'd see you
But it was always a second too late, a flicker
of your face flashing by, but her eyes were
too focused on Sunday morning's paper, she sitting in the Cafe
Tiny signals of sound in her ipod, messages
trying to re-connect her back to you - but
she didn't listen.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Let's talk about Pil for a moment

For a brief period of my life I was a big Sex Pistols fan, I was 13 and just about beginning to explore 70s punk. I'm a little weird about this band now, it's a nostalgic thing and nothing more. But pil is a little more mysterious to me, Lydon's post pistols act. My dad was the one who was really into them, and I came across this cd "Flowers of Romance" probably when I was about 10, but never listened to it until about six months ago. My mom has a funny story about my dad and this band. She remembers being over at my dad's house when they were probably about only 19 or 20 and my dad had this PiL shirt on and I guess one of his parent's uber christian friends thought that the shirt stood for "praise the lord," haha...guess he couldn't see very well. Anyways, there's something about this album cover that really gets me, I'm loving it. This image of that girl, the wildness, I like. I want to transpose that and the music itself into something wearable. If you haven't listened to this album before I recommend it, I really like the track 'banging the door' so therefore I'm going to post it to give you a glimpse...

It still resonates

This is a call to all
these past recent
moments of being
young and fucked up
walking around in the
middle of the night
talking of new friendships
new love
new lives
Driving around and being
Or spending days
and blabbing away
The best is what we
the coolest fucking
females around the town.

You ladies know who you are, and I love you all.

Sunday, August 9, 2009


Disconnected and it's going to feel good
No virtual firestrom of ignorance and jealousy
No waiting for green lights of
hope and pleasure filled into screens
No thoughts of outside spies trying
to take me on
Back to a basic, simple way
where if you wanna talk - you
just open up your mouth
and say what's on your mind
without rehearsal.

Off into the mouth of the desert
where everything will diminish and escape
bare bones, and tethered hearts
re examine their faults
and enjoy the scenery before
it all dissipates and life in routine
happens all over again.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Personal Renaissance

It's strange how people come in and out of your life in patterns, or how they come into your life and things happen and your life starts to change. Reasons that I cannot see, but feel inside. I feel a resurgence of old values tied together with new inspirations and directions. New teachings in philosophy and the simple concept of learning to just walk away, the idea of Taoism and 'Wu Wei' meaning "without action," one of the greatest philosophical ideas that should be learnt by all. We think too much and worry too much about things that are not central to the bigger idea of our existence. We get caught up in this virtual firestorm, forming drama out of nothing, trying to get revenge on people we do not know. All I know is the truth within me and life is made to be enjoyed, to feel pleasure, and happiness even if at times it seems to be temporary. In this moment I am fully enjoying it and the company of an old friend. It's beautiful. It is impermanent as life is, people come and go, but you will always have to rely on yourself. You have to be selfish, and you have to take, and this is something that he tells me I need to do.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

My Summer Band

okay, just discovered a new band today by the name of Neon Indian. They fully seem to represent a lot of things that have been going on this summer for me and I'm just really loving all the beats and lyrics. "Deadbeat summer" is another great song by them, and that one is definitley going to be my summer song for 2009. I love that feeling of finding new music, it opens another facet in your brain to explore.
love love love

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Male Style Part II

Well here you have it...I'm sure there are tons of other men that I haven't even tapped into yet, but here's just a look see into what male style is and can be. To each his own. What I really want to see is a man who can carry off a total 1920s Buster Keaton esque look without making it look like he's going to a halloween make it cohesive, authentic yet modern...I cannot deny some of the originality going on here with many of these photos, all the raw energy, and the male attitude, it's quite intriguing.

J. Spaceman

Zach Condon of Beirut

Johnny Greenwood

Redd Kross

Roxy Music

James Iha

Andrew Vanwyngarden of MGMT

Alex James

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Male Style

So I've been doing research, looking at photos of many men I find extremely attractive, and of course very stylish....This will probably have to be a two part post...there are a lot of photos. I'm just going to show the images and not really explain anything because they kind of speak for themselves...and if you are male and come upon reading this, please be inspired. of course, ladies can be inspired by them as well - it's fashion, it can be unisex.

Pete Kember aka Sonic Boom

Buster Keaton

Syd Barrett


The Verve

Jarvis Cocker


Nick Cave (The Birthday Party era)

Thursday, July 23, 2009

wow, might this be one of the best songs i've ever heard?

"What did you want to see?
What did you want to be when you grew up?

To go away and not look back and think of what the others say
To go ahead and change your life without regard to what is said
And everyone must do the same
you find yourself lost again
forget the things you've left behind
through looking back you may go blind"

Future Atlas Sound album Logos....

Don't these words ring true? I feel as if they are the story of my life so far, dwelling on the past will make you go blind...or insane. You can't change anything that's already happened, it's done...Doc Brown is not there waiting for you in his Delorian to take you back to the parts that you want to change...sorry McFly but there's no 1.21 gigga watts to get you back to where you want to be...and why do you want to go back? There is no point at all...Every minute spent thinking about the past is every minute wasted on the future. So get it together sunshine.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

In the works

Here are some ideas, and inspirations that are currently helping me to create my fall/back to school's always nice to get something new, but this time I'm only going to buy a few things and just mix it with my usual vintage/thrifted ends up all working together...but I have to say it's the most exciting period, being able to plan out the season and find ways to tweak your look each time.

1st dress Urban Outfitters, 2nd Modcloth, shoes: Urban Outfitters. First image: Jeremy Jay. Sixth image: Babes in Toyland. Last image: clip from Buffalo 66' (an awesome movie by the way).

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Good Night

One of the most beautiful songs ever written and performed. Tim Buckley was an amazing musician as was his son Jeff. If you haven't read Dream Brother by David Browne you should definitley check it out if you're at all interested in these guys and their music that they left behind. I'm goin' to bed now, sweet dreams, this song always puts me in a dream like state.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

One Day -

One day maybe we will dance again
Under fiery skies
One day maybe you will love again
Love that never dies

One day maybe you will see the land
Touch skin with sand
You've been swimming in the lonely sea
With no company

Oh, don't you want to find?
Can't you hear this beauty in life?
The roads, the highs, breaking up your life
Can't you hear this beauty in life?

One day maybe you will cry again
Just like a child
You've gotta tie yourself to the mast my friend
And the storm will end

Oh, don't you want to find?
Can't you hear this beauty in life?
The times, the highs, breaking up your mind
Can't you hear this beauty in life?

Oh, you're too afraid to touch
Too afraid you'll like it too much
The roads, the times, breaking up your mind
Can't you hear this beauty in life?

One day maybe I will dance again
One day maybe I will love again
One day maybe we will dance again
You know you've gotta
Tie yourself to the mast my friend
And the storm will end
One day maybe you will love again
You've gotta tie yourself to the mast my friend
And the storm will end

~The Verve~

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Fashion Icon

I can barely remember the first time I ever saw Bowie, I was like four or five and it was on tv. They were playing one of those old interview shows like Dick Cavett or something and their he was, in a powder blue suit shaking like a madman (the heavy drug use), and had a cane in his hand. I was fascinated by this strange looking creature, I had never witnessed anyone to look like this until that moment. Bowie's music and I have a strong bond, when I was 13 I became heavily obsessed with everything Bowie, I watched Cracked Actor and Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars documentaries millions of times to get ideas from his wardrobe. I think Bowie is pretty much number one in my favorite musical artists list, every album is amazing and c'mon he's a fucking ever changing soul! I dislike to use the word Chameleon because it really doesn't describe him accurately as a Chameleon is all about blending in with their surroundings, Bowie definitely doesn't do this. My aunt and my mom were definitley great influences on my musical tastes and my aunt is a huge Bowie fan and saw him in the late 70s and 80s live (my mom saw him once). They surely helped me to get into some of his rareities. When I was about 19, I finally rented The Man who Fell to Earth (it was a Bowie film that I had been wanting to see ever since I was 13, but it was hard to find). I was completely blown away by his look here, the striking red hair (with the gold in the middle), the painfully thin body, the coats and aviators. This man screams sexy, (at least to me, as I find uniqueness and individuality to be very sexy). His Thin white duke days are one of the most stylish to me, those exaggerated 40s suits, and his soul image coked out of his mind. But really, all of his looks are incredibly unique and glamorous. The image he creates with his music is genius and I take great inspiration from this. I remember being 14 hanging in my room late at night and listening to Rebel, Rebel off the Diamond Dogs LP, and I got all glammed up to the music. Red lips, teased hair, black glittery shorts (lol), high heels and a blouse and just put attitude into the whole thing. I still get inspired and dress to the music I listen to, each thing is always new and different and I try to create looks that reflect that. I remember a male friend of mine in high school telling me that he loved that I didn't wear the same thing everyday and it was true because I really didn't. This is why I love Bowie so much, he is my male fashion icon. And I think it's about time I reinvent myself. Love on ya!

"You can't go on stage and live - it's false all the way...I can't stand the premise of going on in jeans and a guitar and looking as real as you can in front of 18,000 people. I mean, it's not normal!" --David Bowie--

Monday, July 6, 2009

The Bends will always be my favorite Radiohead Album

Limb by limb and tooth by tooth
Tearing up inside of me
Every day, every hour
Wish that I was bulletproof

Wax me, mould me
Heat the pins and stab them in
You have turned me into this
Just wish that it was bulletproof

So pay me money and take a shot
Lead-fill the hole in me
I could burst a million bubbles
All surrogate and bulletproof

I'm on a radiohead od right now, and i'm wearing my mom's radiohead shirt she got in 1996 when she and my dad saw them, and I cannot thank them enough for letting them take me and my brother to see them live around 1998 during Ok Computer tour with Spiritualized as support. (If I only knew how fucking amazing that lineup was when I was 10/11, I fully appreciated it then, but not as much as I would now). Ok, back to getting cozy and having The Bends playing on repeat, good nite ladies and gentlemen, enjoy this melodicaly emotional tune that I cry to.

Friday, July 3, 2009

"i'm just too young to belong to anyone and i'm too old to be taken"

I don't even remember what I really wanted to establish with this post, but it's along the lines of relationships. Sometimes i feel really strange being alone, I know it's not a bad thing and I actually feel extremely liberated being able to do all the things I want to do without answering to anyone. But there are days when I really miss connection, intimate spaces, long moments of silent staring into the lover's eyes and reading their soul. If you would have told me all the things I would be going through these past years when I was 15, I wouldn't have believed it. I probably would've assumed I'd never have been in love, i'm a choosey individual. It's very hard for me to find the right person, and i've had only two connections in my life. It's strange, everyone speculated we were going to get married once upon a time. what a laugh, it's funny how old women talk, it's cute because it's not 1953 anymore and girls like me usually don't marry their first love. And that's definitley not something I would have wanted anyways. On the flipside, my parents met in highschool when they were 16 and they have pretty much been together ever since then, (they were off and on a little bit, and they dated other people briefly after they broke up sometime after highschool), but they were always drawn to each other, and I can admire that. I never assumed that I was going to have the same luck, but I did the whole high school sweetheart thing too, 16 too and first times for everything. We lasted almost three years, but it just didn't work out, and after many difficult situations and drama I can now look back on the good parts and reflect on my youth and the carefree ways of being young and so in love once. I'm looking forward to the future and the upcoming adult relationships i'm going to have, it's an exciting age. It's only begining, and I feel like he was just like how a first pancake is, rough around the edges/not perfect/gooey and usually thrown in the garbage...(theoretically speaking). That griddle is mighty hot now and is just waiting for the next batch of batter to be cooking. love love love

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

First Obsession

I decided that today's post is going to be about my first obsession (the first musical obsession, that of usually a lead singer in a band that I usually get obsessed with). The very first band that I called my own was The Verve way back when I was about eleven years old. Once I heard their song "bittersweet symphony" on the radio I had to learn more, thus a journey into collecting all their cds, and any books/information about them had to be found. I became so enraptured with this group, i even got my best friend into them and we went to one of our first concerts together (Verve was not my first show, Radiohead was numero uno when I was 10, and one day maybe we can talk about how gorgeous Johnny Greenwood is too!), and saw The Verve live in LA right before they broke up (Nick McCabe the lead guitarist was not present unfortunately). We were probably the youngest kids their, just fifth graders! I still have the tshirt i got that night and I still wear it on occasion. Anyways, my first musical crush was Richard Ashcroft - lead singer of The Verve. I thought he was beautiful, so tall, skinny, shaggy hair, sunken in cheek bones, big lips, and he had this mysterious and arrogant thing about him that I couldn't even understand. He was also a snappy dresser, and still is. I remember once writing a secret letter to him with all my wishes of us together and then I rolled it up and stuck it in this neat little antique genie bottle in the hopes that it would come true one day...ha ha. Of course none of that was ever going to happen, but a little girl can dream you know. When I heard they broke up shortly after seeing them, I was so devastated. A few years passed by and Richard came out with a few notable solo albums, but nothing ever as good as the verve. In 2007 rumours came around that my band was going to reunite, and I was ecstatic, the album turned out to be okay, but I didn't care, I was so happy they were back together! And Richard still looks as beautiful as ever! Anwyhooo, this is my story of my first obsession, maybe I'll continue this saga with a story about Damon Albarn of Blur (my next musical obsession) and then I'll segway into real life about some of my first real crushes....More eye candy below, for me anyway...

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

If you care to gander, please be inspired

Okay, so here is a person who is currently inspiring me mentally/emotionally/creatively. Bradford Cox of Deerhunter and Atlas Sound is amazing and I truly admire him, many of the things he says and writes are completely influential to me and have expanded my mind artistically. These are the kinds of people who inspire me and capture my interests. One of the most fascinating human beings I've found, his music is beautiful and I really hope to see Deerhunter live this august in San Francisco. Please Watch below a two part interview, to get an insight into what he's like.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

All we have is now

I went to see Port O'Brien last night, it was amazing as it always is. i love these people and I'm so glad to know them as friends, I met up with awesome people I've known since highschool and it just gave me great feelings and gave me great flashbacks into who i was 5/6 years ago going to all the local shows, and dancing and just being myself. At the last song me, kyle, and micah all got on stage as well as other groovy folks and danced ourselves silly, soooo good! This is my arena, i feel most comfortable with great live music and people i've known for years, just having a ball. I don't get all self conscious and weird around these situations. I really miss the old Zyola shows and being an offbeat 16 year old going crazy to the music and having all of my great friends grooving with me. I need not worry about anything at this stage in my life, things are supposed to be shakey and uneasy, my calling is there somewhere and I must find directions and make decisions as they come. I'm just going to float and take things as they come, and right now life is fucking good. The picture above explains it all, Zyola circa -03'? I was there, I experienced it and I loved every second of it.... (photo taken from Thank you guys for making amazing music and continue to do so.