strata

Beautiful, evokes many emotions I'm currently experiencing...

glimmer

You know I can see a little hint of something good happening. Something I didn't think would happen for a long time, and just maybe if it's meant to be it will.

It's got nothing to do with you or anyone else, just myself.

Let it rip through my veins, let it run down - this feeling. This feeling of acceptance and fearlessness. It all really doesn’t matter anyways. Just live out of truth, live with genuine emotion. Be kind, tell people how you really feel about them.

I had a little life changing moment with myself and my thoughts. Driving part way home last night, my subconscious full. And then I went home, put on my head phones, crawled into bed and listened to my Micromix collection thanks to the Deerhunter blogspot. Micromix 14 showed up and I listened to this Everly Brothers other version of "I Wonder If I Care as Much." I must have listened to it on repeat for about 90 minutes. It did something to me. Everything about this song, the way it's sung, they way it sounds, it's beautiful.

Quiet/Dark

Gettin' some dark sexual demons out, letting them breathe and hang out to dry. To write it in and make it known. The power of the pen, the power of the pistol, the power of the shiny blue ribbon.
It seems like a perfect time, a perfect moment to bask in darkness, listen to the cherry tree ep by the national, stay indoors, write and look at mark ryden paintings.

splendour

It's a Bowie Glam Rock Year once again....

Like my transformations in the past, Bowie has been a major influence...with style, sounds, and make-up he's garnered a top place in my forever idols list...let's do this again.

"Lift mine eyes from the earth and let me
Not forget the uses of the stars.
Forbid that I should judge others,
Lest I condemn myself.
Let me not follow the clamour of the world,
But walk quietly in my path.
Give me a few friends who will love me for what I am,
And keep ever burning before my vagrant steps
The kindly light of hope.
And, though I come not within sight of the castle of my dreams,
Teach me still to be thankful for life,
For time's olden memories that are good and sweet;
And may the evening's twilight find me gentle still."

Max Ehrmann

turn it off.

I'm thinking, typing thinking. Thinking of you, thinking of wasted time, wasted youth, thinking of what lies ahead, thinking about not wasting it, thinking of a plan, thinking of a way out, thinking all the time. Why don't I just let go, let it go. I will go outside and sit but I can't help but think I'm wasting time. I want my inner dialogue to shut the fuck up, it's negative, and that's the root of the problem. I want to turn it off, and just sit and not think how it will all be gone one day and worry that I'm not living up to my potential, even as I sit here and type these words. I want to find happiness in the simplicity, not with illusions of grandeur. I want to believe that I am okay where I am, and not worry that I'm not doing enough. I want to accept my position and realize that it is all going to work itself out, I just have to believe in myself. And not let my mind take control of it in ways I do not want it to.

Forced Helplessness

When did I learn to get so comfortable? It's simply not acceptable, and no longer will this way of living continue, I want to be free. I am going to be freed of this nonsense, these things that chain me to my environment. It's going to change. I am no longer afraid.

Humility

I had a shock to my system, a charge to my inner being. From the outside looking in. I am so thankful for gentle and caring individuals who practice those random acts of kindness, even on those who have acted out and do not necessarily deserve such care, like myself in that moment. Something so simple and so easy to do, yet I find myself hardly able to do it these days. I feel like this evening was a landmark moment in a personally spiritual/philosophical education, and I am truly grateful for that. I can not thank these strangers enough for their kind hearts. Everything can be changed in an instant. Knowing that your attitude is only controlled by yourself is an amazing gift. And I am now fully aware.

All those longings...

This song has been on repeat for the past hour now...it evokes something inside me that's very sacred...they couldn't have picked a better clip either to put it to...One of my favorite films, "L'Amant."

I will hold my torch up high for you.

Each and every day I am now learning something new, figuring out how things work and how they've worked in the past. I'm starting to understand certain things about myself and recognize those traits which used to be unknown to me. I truly am experiencing a growth period. There is so much going on in my head right now that it's very hard to pinpoint exactly what I would like to focus all my energies on. I'm almost afraid to pick as I do not know if that will be the right decision, which is why i'm almost in a state of flux, becoming flexible to how each day goes.
Some lovely friends of mine came to town, we spent a day going record shopping and doing a bit of thrifting. I found some pretty good 1980s gems. Purchases included: Prince's 'Controversy,' Tears for Fears 'the hurting,' Pet Shop Boys 'Please,' and U2's 'War.' The latter being a gift for a friend, but currently I am listening to it, and as much as whatever anyone wants to say about U2 good or bad, this album is pretty solid. I especially like the song '40.' I don't know I guess this band brings me back to childhood, I used to sing 'Sunday Bloody Sunday' out loud, never knowing what the song was actually about until I was about thirteen or so.

Story of the present.

Let's not make it into a big thing
Let's not get lost in this
I know it is, i know we could
I guess we surely would
Let's pretend it's not
It doesn't mean a thing

Let's not blow it out of all senses
As though it meant so much
It's always thought about for weeks
Not everytime your lips meet mine, i think of her
But when her hands reach out, i think of you

Why do I always fall?

"I'd take care of you if you asked me to."

We are young, why not?

Why not do all these desires now while we are young and free?
Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to lose my mind before I'm thirty.
I get impulsive and decide to lay down with them, these certain
spontaneous curiosities. I just figure, why the hell not?
I'm not going to be here forever, so why not let loose and
enjoy the pleasure, enjoy the fun.

I enjoy these retrospective times to myself.
Most of the time I'm wrapped up with some worry, some
intense overanalyzation - it feels good to just let
it all go and melt away.

My friends told me that I seem to always go for the emotionally unavailable ones. It sort of hurt my feelings, I felt attacked. But I guess it's true, doesn't matter what age they are.

the calling game.

I miss watching television with a boyfriend.

Narcissism is evil. I've never met anyone else as self absorbed as him. Ugggh, I can't handle it. God, this post is ridiculous. I'm in a very strange mood or maybe I'm just too high.
I've never been so pushed and pulled emotionally/mentally like this before. I know it's all a game that he's gains much pleasure out of. I don't understand.



You're cussing a storm in a cocktail dress your mother wore when she was young
Red sun saint around your neck
A wet martini in a paper cup
You're a wasp nest, you're a wasp nest.

Your eyes are broken bottles
And I'm afraid to ask
And all your wrath and cutting beauty
You're poison in the pretty glass
You're a wasp nest, you're a wasp nest

You're all humming live wires under your killing clothes.
Get over here, I wanna kiss your skinny throat
You're a wasp nest, you're a wasp nest
~THE NATIONAL~

What's wrong with being a nice girl?

I know that's what I am, but somehow I forget that I'm too nice and can't say no. I don't know what it is, but I give in way too easily, this eager to please kind of trait that makes me do things that end up hurting me later. Sometimes I think sex should be spontaneous and that I should just give in to it. As long as you're protected and safe, and you are physically attracted to that person, why not? And sometimes, after jumping into that quick way of thinking I realize that it could've been a mistake, because to a man, I have made myself appear like a slut, an easy nice girl who will say yes. And the chemicals that are in my brain make me like him more and more after we have slept together. Oxytocin is a curse. And then when he doesn't call and I go crazy wondering why the hell he's not, I then come to the conclusion that being physically fulfilled without some sort of commitment is not a good idea for me. sure, maybe it works for others, but it truly does not work for me. I need the knowledge that it won't be temporary, that this warm body I'm touching actually has a brain that likes me, and doesn't just like my own warm body.

pleasures.

I wanna be lost in that dark cave forever, feeling through with complete emotion unrestrained...doing what feels good, what feels right in the moment. And just be there.

i looked in the mirror.

I came home to find huge bite marks on my neck. I feel conflicted. I haven't received those since high school, and you're not a boy, you're a man.

when I saw you

i wanted to cut your hair, bathe you, and re-dress you. I wanted to take care of you like a little wounded baby bird.

escape.

this is all i want to hear. and all that pains me...beautiful words.

Once I was a lover
And I searched behind your eyes for you
And soon there'll be another
To tell you I was just a lie

And sometimes I wonder
Just for a while
Will you remember me

And though you have forgotten
All of our rubbish dreams
I find myself searching
Through the ashes of our ruins
For the days when we smiled
And the hours that ran wild
With the magic of our eyes
And the silence of our words
~Tim Buckley

there's some kind of magic in smoke

It's a somber day, dark and gray. I did a few line drawings, and laid on my bed watching the smoke of incense in my bathroom climb up the walls in a secretive dance. I don't feel empty or sad like I thought I would. I just feel okay, I think the music makes me feel so bleh, just makes me think of the bigger things, life and death and what it's for. watching the white transparency float and create a figure of some other world. thinking of people that have come and gone. those before me and after me. is it like the smoke? floating up into the sky, reeling with the air, whirling up and becoming one...i want to end up like that, endlessly floating, and gathering more and more particles...connecting to an eternal piece.

this puts me to sleep every night...

I think this is my favorite version of this beautiful Righteous Brothers song, Bradford Cox is my hero, so so talented, so much emotion coming from him here...

Nothing I can tell you, you look good when you wear it well.

I do not know my own limitations sometimes, if you push a little...I'll push a lot. If you give a little, i'll ask for more. Not my best trait at all. I don't know when to stop sometimes, but now I see it clearly, and with respect, understand when it's okay to push and when it's okay to not do anything at all. I think I'm maturing more and more, letting things just happen, and trying not to sweat the small stuff and realize that what's meant to happen will...and if it doesn't, well it doesn't matter. I'm working on getting a running routine going in the mornings when I don't have to work...I just hook up my pod and run on the ranch overlooking the pacific ocean, I really am incredibly lucky to be living where I am. I take it for granted all the time. After my little jaunt today, I drove and felt soo good, Sirius XMU was playing some great music too this morning so I was totally high on endorphins and dancing to the grooves of Cut Copy, Whitest Boy Alive, and Felix Da Housecat. I really love the person I am becoming, I feel like I have it more together, and actually have a fantastic niche of everything, ahh i can't explain all the joy I'm feeling. I had one of the best birthdays ever and it makes me realize how many amazing people I have in my life. love love love

too many gypsies, not enough soul

I had no idea that nostalgia is considered a form of mental imbalance...I just learned this today via youtube, haha. If this is true, then I guess I must be mentally ill in some way, but aren't we all? I guess that would be my greatest trigger for depression, getting stuck in time in memories, nostalgic yearnings for snap shots of my life. Moments. I think I'm getting better, yes there are times when I go back and think about days that just surpass them all, days where you think nothing will top it. But I've got to believe that there are future days that will override the ones I've already lived. This whole past/present thing is very confusing. All I know is that I'm pretty happy where I am in my life right now. Yes, there are some things I would love to change, but most of my goals are being achieved or are working their way on being met. It's friday, exactly a week until I am 22, and I'm going to be enjoying a delicious raspberry lemon drop in two hours, sipping it with some great people in my life, I can't complain... love love love

one color, muted, uncomplicated

I've been wearing lots of black lately, just all at once...black jeans, black tops, black shoes, with a brown leather belt, very simple. Dressing for myself used to be such an exciting event for me, so much fun to wear the most outlandish items - of vintage descent with crazy colors, patterns, combinations, influences, and styles. But now I'm feeling very overwhelmed and disgusted by that all. I just want basics, one color outfits, and be it not even colorful colors. Is it because I'm getting older? Why do I feel this strong urge to get rid of 98% of my wardrobe, all my treasures collected through the years, once coveted and sacred to me? I don't know what it is, but I feel no need to try and create an outfit or style that has to be something costume esque or outlandish anymore. Just very muted and simple, the only things showing any sign of energy from jewelry or headbands. Maybe it's just a phase, but each and every day i'm caring less and less on fashion... :(

excess synths gilded

All i've been really into musically is a lot of 80s dance music - and theres so much to choose from! Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark, Simple Minds, Dead or Alive... I don't know but I'm very into it all for the campiness and just the simple uncomplicated poppyness of it all...it's wonderbar... and this video = amazing... I never used to care much for Simple Minds but I'm diggin' this song a lot...