Tuesday, May 19, 2009

i am only human, so excuse me

In the past year, I've grown up a lot. I've gone through many realizations that have been high and low. Accepting a lot of things that are beyond my control, but most of all, i've gotten on with my life. A year ago, I hardly had any real friends due to me neglecting them and spending time with one person whom I shouldn't have. I've regained all my friendships now, I've made them stronger, and in the process I've met a lot more really cool individuals who are expanding my mind, social circles, and my own personal growth. A year ago, i was a pathetic little being who was heartbroken and emotionally unstable, all because of one fucking guy! One person affected me to a point where i couldn't sleep or eat sometimes, or not even go outside and enjoy living! The truth is, it wasn't his fault at all, I take all accountability for making my own life miserable back then, i just didn't want to face the truth. It's funny how in those desperate moments, you feel like you are powerless and you can't face another day feeling so much emptiness and pain. And i look back on it and think that i was a moron for letting myself feel that way when i had all those times to forge the life i have now. It would have been a lot faster to heal, that's for sure. you know the old saying "when one door closes, another one opens?" Well another door has fucking opened and it's presenting itself with opportunities and friends and happiness, and that's the best door prize i've ever gotten so far. No one can fix anything but yourself, no matter how much you think that one person will save you from yourself, they're not going to. it's only going to make you feel worse and not be the best person you can be. So relationships or not, be the best human being you can be. I'm working on this, and i'm at a point where i don't want to fight, i don't need that edge, i just want to be a good person and if you don't like me or you haven't ever met me but you still judge me as a bad person anyways, well that's your loss honey because i think i'm a pretty neat person inside and out. i don't need enemies in this life and i don't need to listen to things that aren't true because I know what's true, and what's right, and that truth lies inside me.

Friday, May 1, 2009

It's May Day

I am a dreamer and a romantic, and one cannot help to feel this way, esp. on a day that is all about flowers, and planting, and so forth. I think the best romances are the ones that are made up in your head, the ones you dream about and know that nothing is ever going to happen with them. Guys that are unattainable, but you know it all works out in your mind. You never fight, or have to go through that agonizing pain of worrying about how they're feeling or what they're thinking, or ever fearing that you're going to lose them. Nowadays, esp. in my lull of a non existant lovelife, I have been dreaming - dreaming of a guy I almost had the chance to be with but was too young, sadly dreaming of my ex boyfriend sometimes (things we used to do that made us happy), dreaming of this gorgeous guy who is friend's with my good friends' boyfriend (but who is so fucking shy, that it is so hard to even get a word out of him which makes me think he doesn't like me as a person, but i don't think that's true). I mean, this whole daydreaming thing is working out okay for now, but I seriously don't really want this going on for another year because that would be sad and I would hope by then someone will be in my life again. Because a girl needs some physicality every now and then...