T.V. Girl- Beat Happening

Strong, strong longing for my sixteen year old self right now.

one baby shoe, a McDonald's in the ghetto, a beach, my car, fights, crowds, anger, sunshine.

items from my dreams.

subcultures.

I just got back from 2011 Camp Pull a Shot in El Capitan Canyon (a little North of Santa Barbara). It was a magical place for coffee geeks/lovers and professionals who were willing to educate and share their experiences in the coffee industry. I basically hung out with some of the "rock stars" of the Barista Guild. After nights of pulling beer through the espresso machine; I have returned with valuable information and some humble pie. They truly have a great community sharing thing going on there, and everyone was super friendly and helpful.

here's a link to see what it was all about:

http://sprudge.com/exclusive-camp-pull-a-shot-photo-dump.html

Yes.

I need a serious time out.

Green, yellow, and red before bed.

Late night bike rides with the one I love after having thought provoking conversation with a stranger who had a little too much sake, but also a lot of heart. Love Love Love.

It was my freshman year of high school, we were disillusioned with our modern society. We hoped for nostalgia, things that people didn't like or understand anymore. We made friends, we all connected, the little group of us that always ate in the middle of the quad by the rock. It was 2002, and we loved the resurgence of rock n roll from bands like The Strokes and The White Stripes. We also loved David Bowie, The Clash, Smashing Pumpkins; you know, all those bands misfit teenagers dug. We were also diggin' this litttle ditty, a personal favorite of mine from his album Sha Sha. Ben Kweller's song 'Wasted and Ready.'' Something we would all sing along to while my mom drove us around town.

Dark and Moody Always.

Let's talk about that elephant in the room, in my head.

Fashion.

As i'm perusing fashion blogs: the sartorialist, vogue, and style.com, part of me gets this great sense of envy. A jealousy that wells up because these are all things I want. All things I want to be. The designer, the stylist, the artist. But then again, I have to look at those things and admire the work of those people. I can't see it with envious eyes, it just makes me feel bad about myself, and the dreams I once had. I don't have to feel bad about myself. I can embrace it, and try to create something for myself. I don't necessarily want fame, recognition, or even attention. I have to get over that, I have to get over myself. So I'm just gonna say that I love fashion, I always will. I will always have that bad habit of spending my lunch money on an article of clothing I find I can't live without. I will eye out my vintage mod dresses and will continually be inspired by the world around me. I will not be jealous, but rather, inspired by all the creative beings that feel what i feel. I will embrace the clutter, and love the fabric. It will always be part of me.

Stop complaining and start doing.

This is the kind of motto i need engrained into my heart, mind, and soul. As of late, I’ve felt a little useless with my powers. I think I need to just do, not think, just go. Thinking is what will stop you.

one drop

I can feel this time more.
It took distances, to carry it sometimes.
My hair making a long line in the wind, wrapping my face.
To touch your hand.

The weather is going to get dark.
Red turns to gold, orange to gray.
I finger the threads along that unknown road.
A part of me becomes a part of you.

I walked so long.
I thought so hard,
creating a cryptic wilderness in my heart.

I wanted to paint it all without using any of my abilities.

Humans are gross.

Shed my skin, and turn to dust. I'd rather float than be stuck side to side with bodily functions and uncomfortable emotions we sometimes experience.

Work is good for me.

Trying to figure out which kind of work that suits me is all.

"If you care about what you do and work hard at it, there isn't anything you can't do if you want to."
— Jim Henson (It's Not Easy Being Green: And Other Things to Consider)

Inside there is this goofy, creative, and unique girl who's lost her way along the seemingly depressing pathways of adulthood. It's all about harnessing your energies and putting them to good use.

Therefore, I have made a pact with myself. Starting today, I'm just going to spend any free time that I have whether it be five minutes or 2 hours, and devote it towards anything left brain related. I might just write, paint, sew, draw, collage, play music, or read a book. Just something to keep that side alive, to spark an idea, to make a mess and not be upset about it.

Pavement Shines Sad Love

"But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
And it wears me out

If I could be who you wanted all the time"

Welcome to the Bed Office

IS there a form of light, maybe a middle ground between sex realms? Like a fog, with a crystal stream. Looking at me, looking at you. All it is is picture. It's just sight. It comes into my eyes but then it triggers something in my body. Those connecters exchanging chemicals and feelings.

Soul Cleansing

I wanted to write everything down. I stood around a while in the dim light, my husband only a few feet away. Once it kicked in, I started to feel disconnected and distant as I went down further and further into my soul. No one else was able to relate, and I couldn't tell if they were all against me or not paying attention. I felt uncomfortable and nauseated as if I was this rookie unfamiliar with the ways of the mushroom. I forget, I forget that it's a different experience for everyone. It destroyed and improved in waves. I went up and down. It took me on this extreme ride through all my insecurities and fears. I grew paranoid and sick of all the things that could happen, but really only could happen in an alternate universe. Then I would rise and sit in there every hour or so. I looked in the mirror and admired my face and thought of how much I loved myself. I sat back down and looked at my hands vibrating. I smiled and knew what my purpose was if there were no such restrictions. Life giver, aching mother. I walked out of it, thinking of the conspiracies that weren't taking place. Then I just wanted to love him and hug him all night long. Alone, in a room, on a bed, in the dark.

Domino Dancing

Pet Shop Boys, where do I begin? I'm partial to this classic 80s group due to the fact that every song I've heard is just plain good. If you just wanna dance, this is always a fantastic standby. Fabulous men doing fabulous electronics. A few years ago I caught a live performance montage of all their hits at the Brit awards via television. Sure, they're older and maybe not as hip of a band like they were in the 80s, but I think they did an amazing job here, (minus Lady Gaga, who will never replace the lungs of the late Dusty Springfield on 'What Have I Done to Deserve This").

DM all the way baby

SO much style inspiration from Depeche Mode 101, a documentary filmed in 1988 during their music for the masses tour. If you have nothing better to do tonight, then get comfortable, turn off your bedroom lights, burn some candles, dress in black and watch parts 1 and 2 of this fabulous documentary courtesy of youtube. What a gem.

Don't ever forget this feeling.

Your future together.

Buy me some time
Because I need it.
I don’t want us to disappear
I want to see you forever
Meld me into one
Let’s be smoke
Let’s rise above everything and everyone

You’re a blur, a slide on my finger
Fuzzy days go on and on
I need to be in your arms all the time .

You saved my life
I want to lay around next to you
Until we can’t breathe anymore

But we will be beyond breathing
We will be beyond skin
Out of touchable things
Where sound isn’t sound

It’s a place beyond us, it rises and sinks and engulfs everything within me, it’s real.

I miss the summer of 2004 sometimes.

As I've learned before, nostalgia is a form of depression. I must move forward, and forge a new self. I will not entirely abandon all the things that have made me who I am, instead, I will wrap those things within me while I try to solve this new mystery of my early to mid twenties. It's frightening territory. I gotta realize that what I feel and think does not necessarily reflect who I really am. I gotta let the light shine through, let my soul burn bright. I don't want to lose it and let it carelessly dissappear into fear.

Nice Sweater, Mick.

I can breathe his soul

There is just so much that I see and I feel. I could spend all my days with you. I don't have to think about it, I just know. I don't have to question anything, we both just know. It's funny how pure joy and pleasure are harder for me to document, it's incredibly hard for me to capture just how I feel, and I take that as a very good sign.

This is it. This is real. I no longer need to search and long for it. What I have is so strong, so beautiful, so real. Drink it in.

Mood of Inhalations

I'm waiting for those months to reveal it to me.
I'm waiting, to be able to exhale you out of me.
"Be patient," you whisper into my ear in the middle of the night.
Cold dreams, and you don't hold me.
I saw the cut of light coming through.
I sat up and got out of your bed for the last time.
Feet hitting empty beer cans as I landed on the carpet.
I sought composure and quietly surveyed the room to gather all I could
that was mine.
I knew when I walked out the door that my underwear was somewhere where I could not find in the morning light.
I wonder if you found those black panties, maybe dangling somewhere on a drumhead.
Only time will digest these moments into just a recollection.
I wanted to give you a purpose.
But I revealed myself too soon, and I knew it would all boil down to this.
We will now be strangers, and I love you.

When Love has died, you know you can just move on.

Sad Nature

It all started in the hotel room. That’s when I lost myself. Up until that moment where we took our coats off and he handed me that little white pill, I was fine. I had remolded myself into the kind of person I wanted to become. I was taking care of my body, my appearance, and most importantly, my mind. I had grown comfortable with the fact that I had been single for almost three years, so comfortable to the point where I felt like I’d never need it. But once I chewed up those chemical bits, I was all gone. Soon he and I entered this bizarre world where I believed whatever powers beyond, had already pre-ordained this moment. Our common interests, our lives, our entire bodies must have been destined to be in that room to take those pills and then sensually profess all this overflowing emotion into each other. I truly believed we were falling in love that night. It all felt so real, lying in the afterglow with the sun coming up. Feeling our bodies together locked in a lazy embrace. I think that was the closest I ever got to you. You were the most unguarded that night, uninhibited. It hurts now looking back almost two months ago. I don’t know why everything changed today.

Just Me

Things are going to get better, no matter what.
Near to the last day of the month, I'm looking at a greater February.
I want to see it in clarity and positivity, and it will be that way.
No matter what is to happen in these next days, no matter what strange,
gut-wrenching emotion I'm going to feel, or elated, joyous pleasure i may experience,
IT IS ALL GOING TO BE ALRIGHT.

I'm Happy again...

You taught me how to play 'dramamine' on the bass last night. You fit right into my room, even if your stature is much too big for my petite things. It felt good sleeping next to you last night. I want these feelings to last. We said our good byes in the morning and then I cleansed all our dirty deeds from the night right off in a chlorine bath. It was nice getting into the water. And I am starting anew again with you in mind.

All things will meet their end.

There is no reaction, and feelings begin to fade.