Tuesday, April 27, 2010

We are young, why not?

Why not do all these desires now while we are young and free?
Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to lose my mind before I'm thirty.
I get impulsive and decide to lay down with them, these certain
spontaneous curiosities. I just figure, why the hell not?
I'm not going to be here forever, so why not let loose and
enjoy the pleasure, enjoy the fun.

I enjoy these retrospective times to myself.
Most of the time I'm wrapped up with some worry, some
intense overanalyzation - it feels good to just let
it all go and melt away.

My friends told me that I seem to always go for the emotionally unavailable ones. It sort of hurt my feelings, I felt attacked. But I guess it's true, doesn't matter what age they are.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Friday, April 16, 2010

I miss watching television with a boyfriend.

Narcissism is evil. I've never met anyone else as self absorbed as him. Ugggh, I can't handle it. God, this post is ridiculous. I'm in a very strange mood or maybe I'm just too high.
I've never been so pushed and pulled emotionally/mentally like this before. I know it's all a game that he's gains much pleasure out of. I don't understand.

You're cussing a storm in a cocktail dress your mother wore when she was young
Red sun saint around your neck
A wet martini in a paper cup
You're a wasp nest, you're a wasp nest.

Your eyes are broken bottles
And I'm afraid to ask
And all your wrath and cutting beauty
You're poison in the pretty glass
You're a wasp nest, you're a wasp nest

You're all humming live wires under your killing clothes.
Get over here, I wanna kiss your skinny throat
You're a wasp nest, you're a wasp nest

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

What's wrong with being a nice girl?

I know that's what I am, but somehow I forget that I'm too nice and can't say no. I don't know what it is, but I give in way too easily, this eager to please kind of trait that makes me do things that end up hurting me later. Sometimes I think sex should be spontaneous and that I should just give in to it. As long as you're protected and safe, and you are physically attracted to that person, why not? And sometimes, after jumping into that quick way of thinking I realize that it could've been a mistake, because to a man, I have made myself appear like a slut, an easy nice girl who will say yes. And the chemicals that are in my brain make me like him more and more after we have slept together. Oxytocin is a curse. And then when he doesn't call and I go crazy wondering why the hell he's not, I then come to the conclusion that being physically fulfilled without some sort of commitment is not a good idea for me. sure, maybe it works for others, but it truly does not work for me. I need the knowledge that it won't be temporary, that this warm body I'm touching actually has a brain that likes me, and doesn't just like my own warm body.