Monday, October 26, 2009

I saw it flying over in the air, some tin can getting crushed.

Where do I begin to explain? I witnessed destruction, wild abandon, drunken freedom, sisterly love, high power money grabbers, the poor beggars, and folks of middle eastern descent all in one day. On our way to Santa Barbara on Saturday right before hitting Los alamos the most horrific thing happened. On the northbound side we saw this white thing in the air and a gigantic cloud of dust and immediately my friend yells "oh my god, do you see that, somebody just had an accident!" She pulls over to the side of the freeway, gets out of the car and makes a mad dash across the dividers while I'm in the car, adrenaline rushing, trying to call 911. As I make the call I can see this young man stumble out, looking like a zombie, disoriented. The car had rolled and was back on its right side in a ditch, the entire top of it crushed. After making the 911 call, I immediately call my mother while I'm just sitting there watching my friend and four other people trying to help. There was another guy too, the passenger who was the worst off. According to my friend his biceps brachii muscle was bleeding heavily and he had head wounds. I was so proud of my friend (who is a junior lifeguard), she was there doing all the first aid, trying to keep him concsious while they waited for the paramedics. All of a sudden a helicopter shows up and lands on the freeway, air evacuating them up and out. It was the most insane/awful thing to witness, but I'm just sooo glad that they're alive and were conscious. There isn't really much left to say, when my friend got back in the car we just hugged and came to the realization like all people do, that everything can change in a split second.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Imperare sibi maximum imperium est.

Clear water, pure and simple. Blood, organs, tissue, complex and hard to grasp. I want to be more pure and simple, a mind not clouded by biological junk. I want to drink the truth, drink it’s purity and cleanliness. I want to be clean of negative thought and destruction inside my brain and my body. It’s filled presently with worries, complications, faults, and is lacking in love and simplicity. I want to open my arms to the sky and yell out, and know inside that I am what I am, and that I love you, I love you, I love you. And all I can give you is what I hold inside my head and my heart, good intentions, no more hate, no more jealousy, no more negativity. My existence is too short to impose such ugly things. I am so content here, and yet I am so excited to explore and know that there is such a vast world surrounding me I have yet to touch. I am going to touch new parts, and be there on the other side of the world and breath its air and observe it's people. I'm carving out this life, and it's a great feeling to know that I am young, I am healthy, and open to anything that will be crossing my path. It's a great moment, each coming moment is and is always getting better and I am so so so thankful for all the amazing people I know and love in my life. It has been a long week filled with driving and so much studying, I feel accomplished to have successfully gotten through it all and I'm excited for this weekend. A day trip a few hours south will help me clear my head and renew. I just felt like I needed to explain my spiritual/mental/emotional awakenings. Need I say more? I didn't think so. love love love.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

a beautiful thing I found

From the movie 'Chelsea Walls,' randomly found this excerpt on youtube with these amazing words. I'll post the scene too if you'd like to listen to it, rosario dawson does a lovely job reciting this. Great poem, feels like love.

"I want to be a lost poem in a stranger's coat pocket, that conveys the importance of you.
To assure you of my desire, to assure you of dreams. I want all the possibilities of you in writing.
I want to give you your reflection, I want your eyes on me, I want to travel to the lightness with you and stay there, and I want everything before you...
...everything before you to follow us like a trail behind me.
I want never to say goodbye to you, even on the street corner or the phone.
I want, I want so much... I'm breathless.
I want to put my power into a poem to burn a hole in your pocket so I can sew it.
I want my words to scream through you. I want the poem not to mean that much.
And I want to contradict myself by accident, and for you to know what I mean.
I want you to be distant and for me to feel you close, I want endless days when it's day and... nighttime never to end when it's night.
I want all the seasons in one day. I want the sun to set before us and come up in front of us.
I want water up to our waists and to be drenched by the rain, up to our ankles with holes in our shoes.
...with holes in our shoes. I want to think your thoughts because they're mine.
I want only what's urgent with you.
I want to get in the way of the barriers and I want you to be a tough guy when you're supposed to,
like you do already.
...when you're supposed to. And I want you to be tender, like you do already.
And I want us to have met for a reason and I want that reason to be important.
And I want it to be bigger than us, I want it to take over us.
I want to forget. I want to remember us.
And when you say you love me I don't want to think you really mean New York City, and all the fun
we have in it.
And I want your smile always, and your grimaces too.
I want your scar on my lips, and I want your disappointments in my heart.
I want your strength in my soul and I want your soul in my eyes.
I want to believe everything you say, and I do.
And I want you to tell me what's best when I don't know.
And when you're lost I want to find you.
And when you're weary I want to give you steeples and cathedral thoughts and coliseum dreams.
I want to drag you from the darkness and kneel with you exhausted with the blinding light blaring on us... and..."

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

The Power of Heat

For a long time now I've experienced these long moments of observation. You know the feeling where your mind and body don't seem like they're in the same places at the same time? Where you're doing something but not really living in that moment, where time moves really fast and things that happened days ago feel like they happened years ago. And you don't seem to be able to grasp those past actions or things you did at all. Well, I've been feeling like this off an on. The only times where I'm actually connected, living and breathing mind, body, and soul is through vigorous physical activity. Lately, I've been really focused on two cores of physical activity: Bikram Yoga and Spin - two truly different forms of activity but they both force me to act in the moment, to live in it and experience it. Bikram yoga is one of the most amazing gifts I've ever given to my body, and although I am still a beginner I find it to be one of the most challenging things I've ever done. I find myself to feel completely accomplished after finishing each session, and believe me, you'd be proud of me too as I can never seem to finish other activities. Spinning also gives me this great outlet to pour all my stresses out and to feel powerful...there is something about sweating, that makes you release. Bikram is notorious for sweating and it may seem gross, but I tell you it's incredibly amazing to find yourself sweating soooo much. The heat, the sweat, the fluidness of your muscles, your mind and body working in one spectrum together and it feels really good to live in the moment. I just don't know why I find it so hard to do this when I'm not working out. As of this moment, I still feel disconnected like my brain is floating up out of my head and these fingers are just typing. It's strange. I must learn to just breathe and not worry about all the little things in life, I need to be here now. Everything is the way it's suppose to be. And I leave you with a pause, to absorb the moment and breath...some brian eno to set the atmosphere. love love love

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Lord Byron

"When we two parted"
By Lord Byron

When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.

The dew of morning
Sunk chill on my brow---
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame;
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.
They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;

A shudder comes o'er me---
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well:---
Long, long shall I rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.

In secret we met---
In silence I grieve
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?---
With silence and tears.