When did I learn to get so comfortable? It's simply not acceptable, and no longer will this way of living continue, I want to be free. I am going to be freed of this nonsense, these things that chain me to my environment. It's going to change. I am no longer afraid.
I had a shock to my system, a charge to my inner being. From the outside looking in. I am so thankful for gentle and caring individuals who practice those random acts of kindness, even on those who have acted out and do not necessarily deserve such care, like myself in that moment. Something so simple and so easy to do, yet I find myself hardly able to do it these days. I feel like this evening was a landmark moment in a personally spiritual/philosophical education, and I am truly grateful for that. I can not thank these strangers enough for their kind hearts. Everything can be changed in an instant. Knowing that your attitude is only controlled by yourself is an amazing gift. And I am now fully aware.
This song has been on repeat for the past hour now...it evokes something inside me that's very sacred...they couldn't have picked a better clip either to put it to...One of my favorite films, "L'Amant."
Each and every day I am now learning something new, figuring out how things work and how they've worked in the past. I'm starting to understand certain things about myself and recognize those traits which used to be unknown to me. I truly am experiencing a growth period. There is so much going on in my head right now that it's very hard to pinpoint exactly what I would like to focus all my energies on. I'm almost afraid to pick as I do not know if that will be the right decision, which is why i'm almost in a state of flux, becoming flexible to how each day goes. Some lovely friends of mine came to town, we spent a day going record shopping and doing a bit of thrifting. I found some pretty good 1980s gems. Purchases included: Prince's 'Controversy,' Tears for Fears 'the hurting,' Pet Shop Boys 'Please,' and U2's 'War.' The latter being a gift for a friend, but currently I am listening to it, and as much as whatever anyone wants to say about U2 good or bad, this album is pretty solid. I especially like the song '40.' I don't know I guess this band brings me back to childhood, I used to sing 'Sunday Bloody Sunday' out loud, never knowing what the song was actually about until I was about thirteen or so.
Let's not make it into a big thing Let's not get lost in this I know it is, i know we could I guess we surely would Let's pretend it's not It doesn't mean a thing
Let's not blow it out of all senses As though it meant so much It's always thought about for weeks Not everytime your lips meet mine, i think of her But when her hands reach out, i think of you
Why not do all these desires now while we are young and free? Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to lose my mind before I'm thirty. I get impulsive and decide to lay down with them, these certain spontaneous curiosities. I just figure, why the hell not? I'm not going to be here forever, so why not let loose and enjoy the pleasure, enjoy the fun.
I enjoy these retrospective times to myself. Most of the time I'm wrapped up with some worry, some intense overanalyzation - it feels good to just let it all go and melt away.
My friends told me that I seem to always go for the emotionally unavailable ones. It sort of hurt my feelings, I felt attacked. But I guess it's true, doesn't matter what age they are.
