It's got nothing to do with you or anyone else, just myself.

Let it rip through my veins, let it run down - this feeling. This feeling of acceptance and fearlessness. It all really doesn’t matter anyways. Just live out of truth, live with genuine emotion. Be kind, tell people how you really feel about them.

I had a little life changing moment with myself and my thoughts. Driving part way home last night, my subconscious full. And then I went home, put on my head phones, crawled into bed and listened to my Micromix collection thanks to the Deerhunter blogspot. Micromix 14 showed up and I listened to this Everly Brothers other version of "I Wonder If I Care as Much." I must have listened to it on repeat for about 90 minutes. It did something to me. Everything about this song, the way it's sung, they way it sounds, it's beautiful.

Quiet/Dark

Gettin' some dark sexual demons out, letting them breathe and hang out to dry. To write it in and make it known. The power of the pen, the power of the pistol, the power of the shiny blue ribbon.
It seems like a perfect time, a perfect moment to bask in darkness, listen to the cherry tree ep by the national, stay indoors, write and look at mark ryden paintings.

splendour

It's a Bowie Glam Rock Year once again....

Like my transformations in the past, Bowie has been a major influence...with style, sounds, and make-up he's garnered a top place in my forever idols list...let's do this again.

"Lift mine eyes from the earth and let me
Not forget the uses of the stars.
Forbid that I should judge others,
Lest I condemn myself.
Let me not follow the clamour of the world,
But walk quietly in my path.
Give me a few friends who will love me for what I am,
And keep ever burning before my vagrant steps
The kindly light of hope.
And, though I come not within sight of the castle of my dreams,
Teach me still to be thankful for life,
For time's olden memories that are good and sweet;
And may the evening's twilight find me gentle still."

Max Ehrmann

turn it off.

I'm thinking, typing thinking. Thinking of you, thinking of wasted time, wasted youth, thinking of what lies ahead, thinking about not wasting it, thinking of a plan, thinking of a way out, thinking all the time. Why don't I just let go, let it go. I will go outside and sit but I can't help but think I'm wasting time. I want my inner dialogue to shut the fuck up, it's negative, and that's the root of the problem. I want to turn it off, and just sit and not think how it will all be gone one day and worry that I'm not living up to my potential, even as I sit here and type these words. I want to find happiness in the simplicity, not with illusions of grandeur. I want to believe that I am okay where I am, and not worry that I'm not doing enough. I want to accept my position and realize that it is all going to work itself out, I just have to believe in myself. And not let my mind take control of it in ways I do not want it to.

Forced Helplessness

When did I learn to get so comfortable? It's simply not acceptable, and no longer will this way of living continue, I want to be free. I am going to be freed of this nonsense, these things that chain me to my environment. It's going to change. I am no longer afraid.