Maybe I'll be back

Nearing a five year hiatus - my what time has done. So many changes, life moving and flowing as freely as we let it. New births and deaths as part of the ever changing cycle. I've become a mother of two babies in this time span and have made our home 20 miles north from our past one. Life is good. Maybe a little more mundane, but nonetheless grateful for these changes. I'm not sure If I'll continue blogging here, I tend to prefer writing in a physical journal these days when I actually find the time. But it does feel good to revisit my past and see how far I have come. I started writing on here when I was about 22 years old, I am now 28. Post adolescence has left me and I've officially entered real adulthood, however, I do not exactly know what that means still. I can feel something happening within me, a new energy source and I'm figuring out how to direct it - or if I'll direct it is the question. I find that I have a hard time finishing projects or seeing a completion. I want to stay positive with this one, I'm feeling it out. Maybe you will see more, stay tuned. Stay curious.

T.V. Girl- Beat Happening

Strong, strong longing for my sixteen year old self right now.

one baby shoe, a McDonald's in the ghetto, a beach, my car, fights, crowds, anger, sunshine.

items from my dreams.

subcultures.

I just got back from 2011 Camp Pull a Shot in El Capitan Canyon (a little North of Santa Barbara). It was a magical place for coffee geeks/lovers and professionals who were willing to educate and share their experiences in the coffee industry. I basically hung out with some of the "rock stars" of the Barista Guild. After nights of pulling beer through the espresso machine; I have returned with valuable information and some humble pie. They truly have a great community sharing thing going on there, and everyone was super friendly and helpful.

here's a link to see what it was all about:

http://sprudge.com/exclusive-camp-pull-a-shot-photo-dump.html

Yes.

I need a serious time out.

Green, yellow, and red before bed.

Late night bike rides with the one I love after having thought provoking conversation with a stranger who had a little too much sake, but also a lot of heart. Love Love Love.

It was my freshman year of high school, we were disillusioned with our modern society. We hoped for nostalgia, things that people didn't like or understand anymore. We made friends, we all connected, the little group of us that always ate in the middle of the quad by the rock. It was 2002, and we loved the resurgence of rock n roll from bands like The Strokes and The White Stripes. We also loved David Bowie, The Clash, Smashing Pumpkins; you know, all those bands misfit teenagers dug. We were also diggin' this litttle ditty, a personal favorite of mine from his album Sha Sha. Ben Kweller's song 'Wasted and Ready.'' Something we would all sing along to while my mom drove us around town.

Dark and Moody Always.

Let's talk about that elephant in the room, in my head.

Fashion.

As i'm perusing fashion blogs: the sartorialist, vogue, and style.com, part of me gets this great sense of envy. A jealousy that wells up because these are all things I want. All things I want to be. The designer, the stylist, the artist. But then again, I have to look at those things and admire the work of those people. I can't see it with envious eyes, it just makes me feel bad about myself, and the dreams I once had. I don't have to feel bad about myself. I can embrace it, and try to create something for myself. I don't necessarily want fame, recognition, or even attention. I have to get over that, I have to get over myself. So I'm just gonna say that I love fashion, I always will. I will always have that bad habit of spending my lunch money on an article of clothing I find I can't live without. I will eye out my vintage mod dresses and will continually be inspired by the world around me. I will not be jealous, but rather, inspired by all the creative beings that feel what i feel. I will embrace the clutter, and love the fabric. It will always be part of me.

Stop complaining and start doing.

This is the kind of motto i need engrained into my heart, mind, and soul. As of late, I’ve felt a little useless with my powers. I think I need to just do, not think, just go. Thinking is what will stop you.

one drop

I can feel this time more.
It took distances, to carry it sometimes.
My hair making a long line in the wind, wrapping my face.
To touch your hand.

The weather is going to get dark.
Red turns to gold, orange to gray.
I finger the threads along that unknown road.
A part of me becomes a part of you.

I walked so long.
I thought so hard,
creating a cryptic wilderness in my heart.

I wanted to paint it all without using any of my abilities.

Humans are gross.

Shed my skin, and turn to dust. I'd rather float than be stuck side to side with bodily functions and uncomfortable emotions we sometimes experience.

Work is good for me.

Trying to figure out which kind of work that suits me is all.

"If you care about what you do and work hard at it, there isn't anything you can't do if you want to."
— Jim Henson (It's Not Easy Being Green: And Other Things to Consider)

Inside there is this goofy, creative, and unique girl who's lost her way along the seemingly depressing pathways of adulthood. It's all about harnessing your energies and putting them to good use.

Therefore, I have made a pact with myself. Starting today, I'm just going to spend any free time that I have whether it be five minutes or 2 hours, and devote it towards anything left brain related. I might just write, paint, sew, draw, collage, play music, or read a book. Just something to keep that side alive, to spark an idea, to make a mess and not be upset about it.

Pavement Shines Sad Love

"But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
And it wears me out

If I could be who you wanted all the time"

Welcome to the Bed Office

IS there a form of light, maybe a middle ground between sex realms? Like a fog, with a crystal stream. Looking at me, looking at you. All it is is picture. It's just sight. It comes into my eyes but then it triggers something in my body. Those connecters exchanging chemicals and feelings.

Soul Cleansing

I wanted to write everything down. I stood around a while in the dim light, my husband only a few feet away. Once it kicked in, I started to feel disconnected and distant as I went down further and further into my soul. No one else was able to relate, and I couldn't tell if they were all against me or not paying attention. I felt uncomfortable and nauseated as if I was this rookie unfamiliar with the ways of the mushroom. I forget, I forget that it's a different experience for everyone. It destroyed and improved in waves. I went up and down. It took me on this extreme ride through all my insecurities and fears. I grew paranoid and sick of all the things that could happen, but really only could happen in an alternate universe. Then I would rise and sit in there every hour or so. I looked in the mirror and admired my face and thought of how much I loved myself. I sat back down and looked at my hands vibrating. I smiled and knew what my purpose was if there were no such restrictions. Life giver, aching mother. I walked out of it, thinking of the conspiracies that weren't taking place. Then I just wanted to love him and hug him all night long. Alone, in a room, on a bed, in the dark.

Domino Dancing

Pet Shop Boys, where do I begin? I'm partial to this classic 80s group due to the fact that every song I've heard is just plain good. If you just wanna dance, this is always a fantastic standby. Fabulous men doing fabulous electronics. A few years ago I caught a live performance montage of all their hits at the Brit awards via television. Sure, they're older and maybe not as hip of a band like they were in the 80s, but I think they did an amazing job here, (minus Lady Gaga, who will never replace the lungs of the late Dusty Springfield on 'What Have I Done to Deserve This").

DM all the way baby

SO much style inspiration from Depeche Mode 101, a documentary filmed in 1988 during their music for the masses tour. If you have nothing better to do tonight, then get comfortable, turn off your bedroom lights, burn some candles, dress in black and watch parts 1 and 2 of this fabulous documentary courtesy of youtube. What a gem.

Don't ever forget this feeling.

Your future together.

Buy me some time
Because I need it.
I don’t want us to disappear
I want to see you forever
Meld me into one
Let’s be smoke
Let’s rise above everything and everyone

You’re a blur, a slide on my finger
Fuzzy days go on and on
I need to be in your arms all the time .

You saved my life
I want to lay around next to you
Until we can’t breathe anymore

But we will be beyond breathing
We will be beyond skin
Out of touchable things
Where sound isn’t sound

It’s a place beyond us, it rises and sinks and engulfs everything within me, it’s real.